Swallowed

I am scared because I am engulfed by the darkness and can’t make out my surroundings. There is no source of light to help me get my bearings. There are moments when I get a chill from the cold water that seems to wash by me but them it warms and becomes hot. I am in such a smelly place. The stench is almost unbearable. It takes my breath away at moments but I can’t escape it because I have nowhere to go and no way to make my way there if I could. I can’t even see my hands before my face. The solitude that leaves me even more afraid. I have not been this lonely before in this darkness. I scream and wail and there is no other person to hear me. I mentally, emotionally and physically ache in the place of torment. There is even slime and goo on everything I touch around me and it even feels like acid on my skin. I think, “Where am I? I must be in hell.”

My thoughts race as to how I got here. I realize that I made choices that landed me here. I chose to get on the ship that took me this way. I knew deep down I was supposed to go the other way but I chose to do this. The other way meant that I had to lay down what I wanted and submit, even surrender and trust. I am too impatient and stubborn to choose the other road, the hard road. I thought, “I WILL make my way work no matter the cost.” The other way involved risk and commitment and perseverance. The other way would mean I had to lay down my feelings and thoughts and give in to the Lord’s will. I made judgements about others too that I would have to give up. My perceptions have to be right. I was sure about my choice at the time, now I’m rethinking everything.

Pain and discomfort, darkness and loneliness will motivate me to do just about anything. After I wailed and moaned and groaned about where I was, I finally came to the end of myself and realized I wasn’t getting out of this place by myself. I cried out to God for help. I knew he was with me through all of this even if I was trying to avoid thinking of him. I knew He heard my crying. I was running from Him after all. I was avoiding his will for me and what he wanted me to do that landed me here. I knew he was watching over me and even allowed me to be in this place. God was pursuing me even here. He never will stop pursuing me because he loves me. God could use even this stinky and dark place for my good. All I need to do was ask for help and submit to him and his will. I cried out again for forgiveness and gave in to him.

There was a rumble that came from all around me and suddenly a large wave pushes me out of my surroundings. Everything has changed. I can feel solid ground under me again and there is light. I can see again and get my bearings again. I look behind me to see a giant fish swimming away. I had been in the belly of a fish all this time. I had been swallowed. Now I know I have to go do what God told me to do because I told him I would when I cried out.

I have just described what I think Jonah must have felt like in the belly of the giant fish. I have been swallowed up like Jonah in so many ways. I have turned the other way and run from what the Lord has wanted me to do. I have gone my own way and tried to make it work again and again. God continues to pursue me even when I’m running. My circumstances have swallowed me up like the giant fish. I have felt like I have been in the depths of the sea in the darkness where it is smelly and uncomfortable and dark. I have felt so alone and unable to control the circumstances. When I finally sat still and allowed the silence to sink in is when reality set in that I had not done what God had said do and I had gone off my own way. This is how I got to this place. God allowed me to have things my way for a while then he let me be swallowed up by my circumstances and the darkness.

God has always been right there. He has remained the same and in the same place he has always been. He was right where I had LEFT him.